Few weeks ago I went to my part time job straight from a meeting related to my other work. I was so high in spirit, felt like everything is possible again, and did not want to come down from this state. The minute my shift started the first thought in my head was “What the hell am I doing here?” And that is when I knew I had to leave.
Listen. I’m not a reactful person and would not make a decision like this based on a peak of excitiment. I’m way too rational and proactive to be acting based on what mood I may be at any time. This decision was coming for some time now and what that day showed me was the contrast between what makes me truly happy and what simply does not - anymore.
As I’m now telling you guys that I resigned my part-time job I think it’s only fair to say there has been a whole lot of issues that led me to this decision. But for now, let’s just leave it to the fact that the part-time job was wearing me out and I had come to the conclusion that I am powerless to influence on anything that’s been going on at my work place. And as this was not a place or job I was hoping or trying to build a career of I realized it’s really not my battle to fight and not worthy of my energy anymore.
“..what that day showed me was the contrast between what makes me truly happy and what simply does not - anymore.”
I really don’t think or believe that work should all be fun and run always so smoothly. It’s called work for a reason. But if you feel conflicted in your core and simply can not match your values in your work, that is when for me, it becomes a mindfuck. You can live and work in this state for a while but if you prolong it for too long it will start to have an affect on your whole being. And that is not worth it to me.
For months I tried to focus on what’s next - or what could be next. Constantly asking myself could it get better if I just gave it some more time. What I now realized I needed not to focus on the next and let the reality of now, and the reality of past events, really start to sink in, as that is what already had showed me what will be next.
With this being said, I also decided not to plan my personal next steps too carefully and rather throw myself to the edge of new, to the edge of unknown. No safety nets and no turning back. All I really need to know is I’m now moving forward and not looking back. For a rational person mindset like this is kind of extreme but what my gut is telling me; worth a fukkin’ try.
Sometimes what you actually need is not a game plan but balls.
Feed the fire! / Eeva
PHOTOS: Joanna Suomalainen
EDITS: Eeva Roots