Mornings are usually my favorite time of the day to “pick my pen” aka write my blog posts. For years mornings have been where my thoughts flow and I feel I can express myself quite swimmingly, and are also my most productive time of any day. With my friends, I sometimes joke that in one single morning I can do more than an average person in one week, but seriously it just says a lot about my productivity and less about anyone else as I don’t even believe there’s such a things as average. But anyhow, I thought I’d try something different this time and write this post now when it’s night time and when I’m tired. Not tired just because it’s night time but because I’m actually tired, you know, AND FEELING QUITE VULNERABLE.
Most of you know (or at least should know this about me by now!) that I am real, really an optimistic, and am always driven. No matter how tired I might sometimes be, there’s always a fire inside me and my mindset is on growth.
By sharing some of my latest feelings I want to encourage You to let yourself be tired at times. Just a little reminder of the fact that we all have our issues an are not always at our best (as hard as it is to admit to ourselves, especially if you are hard on yourself like me). And a note to you and to myself too, that weariness and optimism can both exist simultaneously. The fact that you are tired does not make you a weak person. You’re still a fukkin boss - and even more so, if you are able and willing to be real.
“weariness and optimism can both exist simultaneously
So, about four weeks ago I asked to have a week off from my work (where I do 3-5 shifts a week), whenever and as soon as possible it would be possible taking into account of our situation in work. I was granted a week off which just ended so I was back at work today. My plan was to do all of my business planning AND launching during my week off for my upcoming business, including marketing plans, plan of strategy, building a website and a whole lot of research.
First week went by as I waited for my week off. My to do list started to build up and I did my shifts, worked on my social media and did some shoots.
Second week went by, and I worked even more in all areas and my to do list for the week off + my to do list for all the daily necessaries that comes from having an influencer account + having photoshoots started also building up. That is a situation I dislike as I am normally really productive, fast in delivery and great at multitasking. I started really stressing.
It was now the middle of the third week and I felt exhausted. My eating was non-existing, I had no appetite. I started forgetting little things like my keys, which floor did I live in, what I was doing etc. I felt sick to my stomach (that happens when my stress is fully on) and got arrhytmias. I had no energy for work but work is the only thing I did - and I did them well, despite the fact I felt I was streching myself to my limits each moment.
I had long talks with my best friend and she noted that I only stress between works, on my so called free time, but never when I’m actually working. By free time I actually mean times when I plan on my upcoming work and which directly allows me to just work with a flow when most of it is already planned. But I’ve never realized that before, even though I know I am sort of a workaholic.
In the final days before my week off I suffered from few sleep paralysis and did not get much sleep. I held back my tears at work all though I love my work and our team, and maybe exactly because of that too. My thought was “one minute and one hour at a time” and I was sure I wouldn’t make it to the end of the week. The last day I had an early morning shift and had to get a cup of coffee and had half of it left entering my shift. During these seven months I’ve been working there I have never had coffee with me. My co-worker said to throw it away. I said it’ll take me 5 minutes to finish it and there are no customers here, no one will see my drinking this coffee, for sure, and I need to finish it. She knew some about my situation yet still made me threw it away, because it’s against the rules. I know very well it’s against the rules that is why I never ever do it, but when I do (and if it’s once a year…) you can be damn sure I need it and am aware there’s no harm to anyone of that. I wanted to share this last part to remind each and everyone of you guys to have empathy and know that there are situations that are not typical like this example which is not a meter of my work ethics, sense of responsibility nor respect for my employer. These are the situations wher your understanding is well needed. Let’s be human to eachother above all.
So what happened with my week off? Half of it I simply had to work and half of it I simply had to rest. There’s no authentic rest for me if there’s million things to be done, so some of it had to be done.
Did I do anything about my upcoming business? Hell no. This was not the time for any of that.
It’s been a year since my burnout. Since then I’ve had my ups and downs, mostly ups. When it comes down to it I define my ups with how well rested I am, how inspired I am, how energetic I am, how much I laugh, how much I sing, how loving, caring and encouraging I can be and how well my stomach is. I define it by my ability to have hope, my ability to dream and setting goals - sometimes even hitting them, of course!
When you are a multitasking-sort of a workaholic-creative type of person who loves that shit and lives for that shit, it really isn’t always easy. BUT IT’S FUKKIN OKAY, and you are still bossin’. You just have to remind yourself you don’t need to over achieve in all areas, and really push yourself sometimes to let go of the control. Just do less and let life happen sometimes, no matter if whatever happens will happen slower because of that. Life is not a race and your health should come first.
P.S I feel so good about sharing this. Getting it off my chest. And please do know that when I preach about all of the things I preach about, when I try to push you and motivate you to find and fill your potential, I’m not talking from some luxurious and magical place. I talk from the authentic real life with it downs, bad lucks, scars and rejections. I’m just like you.
Feed the fire - or decrease it at times if you need to! / Eeva