Need for (low) speed

Hi there! Been away for a short period of time but in a blogging world it can easily seem like forever. (Sorry for that.) Usually when you don't hear from me it simply means I'm being super busy. This time it's not been the case.

I've had tons of things to do, yes, but instead of doing all of them and working my ass off as usual I needed to stop for a second. Literally just stop.

Someone asked me not too long ago how do I find the time to do so much and with such high-quality. The answer is simple - you work.

For a person who has such high demands on their work it's not just about the hours you put in. You use time for planning, visualization, interacting with current and potential clients, creating plans and setting deadlines, and keeping the bar high; never putting anything below your standards out there. And it can be exhausting at times.

I found myself being in a place where I could do so many things and had many new big ideas but realized I did not have the time or the energy to carry them out. Now don't get me wrong, the truth remains - I can work for hours, weeks and months without complaining or getting tired, but what you may not know is that I haven't had a vacation for over 2 years. It's not normal in any employment relationship but can be hard to remember when you're mostly working for yourself.

I started noticing I could go on in full speed for two weeks and then needed to rest. Then those two weeks became one week. One week turned into few days and eventually all I could think about was wishing to have even a half day off from doing work and not accomplishing anything work-related.

In one crucial day I meant to have a fun day at sea, but things did not go as planned, my little and much needed free time was wasted and the next day I got sick. My body said stop as my mind was not powerful enough to slow me down (even though I knew I needed to rest). That day was three weeks ago and since then I've been slowing things down gradually but dramatically.

I've been overstrained and it took me a while to recognize it. Now I'm feeling better, but it has not been easy. I've had to literally force myself to stay in bed in those moments when all my mind could think about was "you need to do this and have to do that". I said to myself I won't get up until I can get up without the pressure of getting shit done. And so I did, I stayed put.

I realize there might be some people who think they would never, ever, say these things out loud - and that is the main reason I'm saying it. I've bee overstrained, stressed, and burned out. There's nothing wrong with that, and with the pace I've been working it was basically just a matter of time.

I hope if whenever you might find yourself feeling what I'm feeling you too will have the courage to slow down. Your dreams can not work unless you can, and the times when you slow down can only define you for the better.

Feed the fire and feed the soul! / Eeva